Sunday, January 10, 2010

Egypt Doesn't Like Hamas

Haaretz has an article chock full of the kind of information the world media never takes note of, without which however you'll never understand what going on this region.


NormanF said...

I'm really happy with the headline. The Egyptians saving the Stupid Jews in spite of themselves.

tom said...

It fits the Hamas theme...

Reduction of benefits

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce a mutually satisfying agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 30% next January from 72 to only 42. (The math here is obviously suspect. It should have been 50.4 virgins, or say 51 if rounded up to the next whole number of virgins. -- Eli) The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. Newly-elected Nigerian General Secretary Olesango Adedubge told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the pants where it hurts the most."

Olesango accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were being imposed entirely on the workforce and not on management. "Last Christmas, Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins" complained Ole, "And you can be sure they'll all be the prettiest ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not a paltry 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from a cowshed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad in a corporate environment and competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, proliferation of satellite TV, condoms and oral contraceptives, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my well-trained staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good and passionate fanatical clerics.

"How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning when management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on multiple-orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying, "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

One alternative proposed as a compromise by the Gay Muslim Association of the Towns of Shaftesbury and Ansehole-on-Trent, to consider a supply of male virgins in selected cases and as a matter of free choice, is being considered - albeit behind closed doors - as this could ease pressure on the virgin supply chain.

Unless some sort of an amicable agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using below-knee explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Yaacov said...

If they ever notice this blog they'll likely to burn an embassy as retaliation for that, Tom.

AKUS said...

It probably didn't help Galloway to have one of his people say "If we cannot go from Cairo to Gaza, we will bring Gaza to Cairo"

That is exactly what the Egyptians fear.